我的husband and I都是犹太人,然而,在六,half years we’ve been together, we’ve had several difficult conversations about our vastly different religious practices.
当我们遇到时，我正在接近30次，我开始失去所有人的希望好犹太人on the streets (and apps) of New York City. But then, one day, Josh’s picture appeared on a dating site called Coffee Meets Bagel, a dating an app that uses an algorithm to match people who are in the same social network but have not met — kind of the tech equivalent of the local matchmaker in the Old Country.
Josh检查了所有盒子：犹太人，常春藤联盟受过教育，最重要的，敢于我说，普通的。他也有一种非常友好的微笑，他的个人资料被他的特征谦卑嵌入着。
在我们的第二次日期，Josh带我去了一家意大利餐厅。我是一点枪害羞的与我在jdate上遇到的男人的经历，他们不想和我约会，因为我不够宗教。所以，我问他是否kept kosher。
“Not really,” he responded. “I mean, I don’t knowingly eattreyf.”
I looked down with embarrassment at mybacon-wrapped扇贝。“这是菜单上唯一的菜肴，似乎是低碳水化合物，”我用羊群笑着说道。
Fortunately, he didn’t bat an eye. I now know that reaction is emblematic of who he is as a person — he accepts people for who they are. After that date, I called up my best friend and told her he wastheone. (She told me I was getting ahead of myself.) Yet, since that day, he has always accepted my neuroses, my quirks, and my constantly falling asleep on the couch with the same open-mindedness with which he approaches ourreligious differences。结果，与他同在，一直觉得回家 - 不是我的实际家，但是我只梦寐以求的地方。
事实是，乔什和我在非常不同的家中长大。其中一个基石差异是他的家是犹太犹太人，我的家不是。
I met Josh’s parents at a kosher restaurant on theUpper East Side。Our religious differences were hard to deny. While they kept speaking about this being a “meat restaurant,” I couldn’t understand what a meat restaurant was, or why the mashed potatoes tasted so different from the kind I was used to (the answer was that they were not made with butter and milk).
When it was just Josh and me, our religious practices were given equal consideration. Josh understood that I felt just as awkward eating at a kosher restaurant as he felt eating at a restaurant that served mostly pork-based tapas. So, we took turns choosing where to dine, and when all else failed, there was always sushi.
但是当我在乔希的家人周围时，我被寡不敌众。成为在非犹太餐馆订购鸡的人感到奇怪，而每个人都在努力找到他们可以吃的奶酪披萨的东西。（就像其他相当敏锐的犹太人一样，Josh的家人吃了vegetarian food在非犹太餐馆。）我吃过的几次treyf在他们面前，当我吃这种不熟悉的食物或有关它的味道的问题时，我并不喜欢被呕吐。它背后没有恶意 - 他们只是好奇。然而，我瞥见了成为众所周知的东西Shiksa.在一个犹太家庭中，一个在一个奇怪的土地上的外星人，我不熟悉。
I had always been happy with my Jewish identity. I grew up Reform; I had a蝙蝠mitzvah我们参加了高假的犹太教堂。我总是约会犹太人。我有一件事Adam Sandlersince I was about 12 years old and, as a result, seemed to only be attracted to men who at least somewhat resembled him. When I moved to New York in my early 20s, I attended Friday night services at the ultra-trendy Soho Synagogue. Admittedly, I was there more for the Jewish men and free wine than spiritual fulfillment. I figured anyone willing to get serious with me would share this philosophy.
Josh and I decided to move in together after only about eight months of dating. It was easy for us to agree that our home would be kept somedegree of kosher- 即使我还没有准备好个人承诺保守犹太教 - 我希望我的未来姻亲感到舒适地饮食。我们也很容易同意我可以自由地从外面带来非犹太食物，只要我在一次性菜肴上吃它。（这很重要，因为我真的，深深地爱福顿汤。）
I considered becoming kosher before Josh and I got married. It seemed that itwould just make things easier。当那不是发生的时候，当我们未来的孩子们已经足够老了，我想也许我会在道路上掉下来。但我只是一直把它放在下面。到底，我决定如果我成为乔希的犹太教 - 而不是因为我wantedto — I would end up resenting it (or worse, him).
And so, we’ve continued on this path — he keeps kosher and I don’t — even as our family has grown to include two kids, ages 3 and nearly 2. Fortunately, so far, this issue has been far less fraught than I had worried about; at least partial credit for that goes to our warm, inclusive Conservative synagogue in New Jersey. Many families at ourshul有一个保持犹太洁食的合作伙伴，另一个人没有，有很多interracial, intermarried, and “non-traditionally structured” families as well.
我们的孩子keep kosher. They have their own separate dishes for milk and meat and they do not eat non-kosher meat. But something that was important to me was that we weren’t sticklers on all the rules at this age, since they are really too young to understand.
I try to steer them away if they ask to sample anytreyf我可能正在吃东西。但我吃了treyf在他们面前，并将回答他们关于我在没有判断的情况下的问题。如果这失败，我可以随时轻易分散他们的犹太挤压包。
我还没有直接告诉他们，我不保守犹太教衣。我的希望是，当时到来时，概念of choiceand individuality will be so ingrained that they won’t think twice about it. Similar to how they know I have a different last name from them and their dad and have never questioned it.
Josh and I are careful not to attach value judgments to particular foods or demand that everyone eat the same thing. We are setting up the parameters for our children to accept religious differences, even within their family, and make their own informed decisions about kashrut. I hope this will lead them to develop a greater appreciation ofall differences。
I believe our children are lucky to have two different role models for a positive Jewish identity. Josh and I both enjoy being Jewish; our Judaism is not rooted羞耻。We do not want our children to feel like they must hide their practices (or lack thereof) from either of us. Most of all, I believe we are teaching our children how to be accepting of others, while still being true to yourself.
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