“我很紧张，”我说，倒在沙发上。"I hope this isn't a giant mistake."
是，毕竟，外科手术，在我的脸上。
I had chosen this path for myself,had paid for it,我决定不想再去想我的大鼻子了。我试着说服自己，given my very deliberate decision,I wasn't particularly entitled to anxiousness,自怜或对即将来临的厄运的感觉。But the body doesn't weigh your self-imposed trauma against the traumas of the world when deciding how much it should sweat,how tightly it should bind your nerves,你肚子里的坑有多深。So I gave my mind permission to follow my body's lead into quiet terror.
“你会很棒的，”我妈妈说，"The doctor and his staff know what they are doing and when it's all over,our girl's weekend begins.会很有趣的。”
我们女孩的周末，我知道，我躺在床上的时候，母亲会照顾我；她，the consummate caretaker,为我们通风的酒店房间注入能量和生命；我，被麻醉的，bandaged mouth breather struggling to meet basic demands of food and water.We had lived out fun mother-daughter overnights in New York City in the past—but I wasn't goading myself into believing that this would be one of them.
手术前一晚，the nurse had phoned me with final instructions.手术前12小时禁止进食或饮水，请带上我的药哦，怎样兴奋的she was to meet me tomorrow.就一会儿，I imagined I was going to a picnic of new acquaintances.
手术当天早上，当气温上升到90年代，I took two subways and a cab to the doctor's office,虚弱和脱水。我躺在候诊室的一个沙发上。Sitting at the opposite end was my mother,她的甜美，measured smile suggestive of the deep emotional restraint it was taking her to appear relaxed for my sake.
“我们这边怎么样？”她问，她的声音故意欢快。
我仰卧着微笑着，握住她的手。"I'm ready to do this.再过几个小时，I'll be on the other side."
"You're very close," she said,捏着我的手，她脸上露出笑容。"And imagine how beautiful your nose is going to be!"
我做到了。
我想象回到我15岁的时候。I had asked my mother to take me to a plastic surgeon for a rhinoplasty consultation,当我意识到我是个小女孩，有一个很大的鼻子。In the nearly 15 years since that consultation,这个故事在我的家庭里已经成了寓言，a stake in the ground for loving the you that you are.Post-consultation,I took the subway back to Penn Station with my mother,the "before" and computer-generated "after" photos in our hands.过了一会儿，我们在过道上看到一个女孩，脸上移植了皮肤。I turned to my mom and when we exited the subway we ceremoniously ripped up my "after" picture.我们把“以前”的照片挂在厨房餐具室的门上，它在那里保存了多年，my trophy of self- acceptance.
几乎fifteen years later-29岁的时候，我在这里。在同一个医生。你可以说我的结婚照跟这有关系。
At this point in my life,我已经熟悉犹太人的鼻子故事了。她们似乎总是以二元体的形式存在：要么女性选择不继续手术，因而接受自我接纳，要么她们选择接受手术，从而符合社会规范。第二个故事不公平，就像外人总是说的那样。大多数人做鼻子工作是为了让自己看起来比别人好。
My story was simple: I wanted a feature that better fit my face.
当我走进手术室时，我不得不缓和这种恐慌。I let my mind drift towards mundane details;护士脸的对称性，抚慰，麻醉师声音的母体变化。这是我生命中第二次“屈服”，第一次是我上大学的时候，胸部切除了一个良性肿瘤。我记得当时躺在手术台上，询问医生关于她的周末。I couldn't relax.I feared the absence of conscious thought,放手。I remember staring up at the ceiling,my voice quick and deliberate,忙于焦虑的谈话。
但这次不同了。This time I was aware of a general fading.My mind became a watercolor.那个漂亮护士的脸在我上方。She asked me sweetly how I met my husband and the words I heard in reply were thick and sleepy.
***
I woke up at 3 p.m.我的手术时间是上午10:30。我在康复室的轮床上，鼻孔里塞满了东西，鼻子下面还有纱布垫，anchored by tape on either cheek.Groggy yet lucid,I was escorted to my mom,他把我领进了一辆出租车。接下来的三个晚上我们一起住在一家旅馆里，a two-room suite with soft white down blankets and a kitchenette.
从星期三下午到星期六早上，我没有走出房间。我的母亲，手术结束后我松了一口气，买了有机草莓，鸡肉片，她可以切得足够小，我可以放在嘴里，热扁豆汤，tea to soothe my throat and berry jam for toast.她会提醒我吃饭，serving me in bed,告诫我不要轻视医生的命令告诉我她我可以把我的椰子水放在床头柜上。I didn't need to reach for it.
我看了电视。我打盹儿。我凝视着墙壁。My eyes were too swollen to read.My body always had to be on an incline,即使在我睡觉的时候。当枕头杂乱无章地落在我身后时，有我母亲，fluffing and rearranging and seeing to it that I was comfortable.My normally restless legs felt heavy and calm.我听说那周有热浪，that the city was a sweltering heap of garbage and noise.But it was cool and quiet in my room,我妈妈坐在弄脏的毯子上，在家庭新闻上找到我，urging me to eat food so I could take my antibiotics,我有问题的时候给护士打电话。
她说：“我们很少有时间在一起。”当她从我鼻孔下面取出浸满鲜血的纱布，换上新的纱布时，又一次。“我玩得很开心。”
When I became afraid that I would be ill,she slept beside me,握着我的手，告诉我如果需要什么就叫醒她，告诉我这整件事我做得有多好。星期六早上是时候退房的时候，我妈妈把我鼻子里的血淋淋的东西拿出来，站在我旁边，我做了第一次呼吸。
我想他们也是她第一次呼吸。
When I left the hotel into midtown Manhattan,I wasn't ready to accept it.The world felt too loud.我转身朝大厅走去，好像忘记了什么。But there she was,就在我旁边，带我走到能带我回家的车上。
手术前一天晚上，我能想到的就是我的鼻子在刀下，losing consciousness,本能的需要导航到“另一边”。
When the surgery ended,in those timeless hours of the following days,当窗帘拉上，温度很低时，when I couldn't properly breathe or tell her how I felt,I understood that my Jewish nose had taken on a larger significance than the cosmetic redesign.
For when I think about my nose,我知道，for years to come,我会考虑我母亲的。I will think about our time in the hotel together as another one of our drop-all-cares girls' weekends away.我的母亲，以及她对我的治疗。我的母亲，and how for her,the mere act of loving me was so much fun.
This post is part of the这里，现在系列，旨在消除心理健康的色素，
并由尤加联盟纽约和犹太人委员会.
你可以找到其他教育的心理健康资源 在这里.
