Later this week,on Earth Day actually,我们有两个生日聚会要参加。One party is for a boy about to turn 4 and one party is for a girl who should be turning 6.
The birthday boy will have a party that incorporates the Earth and recycling and the environment.I suspect there will also be some sort of tractor or construction vehicle as well.There will be a crowd of grandparents,表亲，朋友和家人。There will be presents and cake and lots of laughter.
The other party will be different.只会是妈妈（我）、the dad (my husband) and her baby sister (our other daughter).There will not be any presents.There will not be any cake.There will not be much laughter.But there will be a balloon release and there will be tears.You see,our firstborn daughter died before she even had a chance to be born.很多人认为庆祝我把她送进这个世界是愚蠢的，but not us.We take this chance to remember her and honor her.
I debated not going to the first party.After all,we need that day to mourn.We need one day a year to belong to the daughter that lives only in our hearts.However,这对4岁的男孩来说是不公平的，和他家人对我们意味着很多。And would our firstborn want us to miss that chance to be with them on her behalf?我想不是。
这很难，though,to not have her with us.Even after all this time.She would be finishing up her kindergarten year in June.I do not know who her friends would have been and can only speculate as to what kind of child she would have been.Would she have played with Barbies and dolls or Legos and trucks—or both?Would she like to dress up like her sister or prefer to be casual like her older cousin?Would her laugh make my heart soar and her tears bring me to my knees?I will never know.
There is a creek by our house that reminds us of our daughter.We may walk down there to honor her.We may drive over to the park where we planted a tree 6 years ago to remember her and the other babies that were born still that year.I am not sure yet.We will decide on that day what feels right for us.
Six years later,是不知道让人如此痛苦。The potential that is lost,the dreams never fulfilled.Those things haunt my days.
But I will not take that out on the birthday boy who deserves as much love and light as possible.Life is about the living and to pretend otherwise is just not fair.Even on the day when my first born would be turning 6.Yes,even then.
