Dear Gefilte,
I have a relative with what I think is a very big problem.她说她丈夫在他们的婚姻中一直在欺骗别人。He tells her "you're making too much of this." It makes me crazy.你有什么想法？还好吗？她很沮丧，想结束他们长久的联盟。
Sincerely,
Collateral Damage
Dear Collateral,
Soon after I met Mr.Gefilte,我们去了一家酒吧，在盒装酒和一场UNO®游戏上玩得很痛快。We were tiptoeing into that now-that-we're-getting-serious-why-don't-I-show-you-all-my-scars territory.
我提到了我的精神药物清单和对拉比的吸引力。他坦诚地说，他失去了一个最爱的叔叔和一个前夫，他在她和他的一个密友睡过的某个地方把他给摔断了。
我听着。我点点头。我又点了一杯酒，扔掉了一张外卡。I like to think I even bit my lip with concern,但老实说，我不记得我的反应像他那样多。先生。Gefilte was staring at me solemnly.Telling me that he valued loyalty above everything else.他要我保证我永远不会对他做那样的事。Which was a noble and yet vulnerable request and when he paused to hear my response,you know what I did?
READ: Sex & The Single Modern Orthodox Woman
I laughed in Mr.盖菲特的脸。大声地。
"That would take so much organization and secrecy and I don't even know how to do the privacy settings on my phone!在过去的一个月里，我三次把自己锁在公寓外面。我必须穿上伪装吗？”
我不停地闲逛，直到我注意到。Gefilte was putting down some cash on the bar and heading towards the door.
“等等！”我大叫。"What I meant was,I would never do something like that.Icouldnever do something like that.Please.You don't have to worry about me cheating because I honestly don't think I have it in me."
抵押品，that was my first lie right there.Or at least a grand oversight.
你看，having studied the human condition for lo these past 2800 years (gefilte time is warp-speed) I have come to learn this:
Each of us is capable of deceit and betrayal.
Each of us is capable of great love and trust.
每一刻，我们都要选择跟随哪一种冲动。
Here's a brief history of the lies I've told just today:
谎言1：我女儿问我是不是该起床了，and I said it wasn't morning yet.
LIE #2: I told several people that I had no more gum.
LIE #3: I ran into a dear friend and told her about a new writing group I'm in,在我辞职之前，她和我在一起的那个写作小组并不是替代者。这个新东西根本不是一个写作小组，it's more like an informal exchange of ideas where we comment via email and don't really have any emphasis on grammar or narrative style,所以不，it isn't a writing group and I can't remember what we were talking about before this can I get you a chai latte?
Here's a good question from Lily Tomlin:If truth is beauty,为什么图书馆里没人理头发？
抵押品，the truth is often ugly and scary.The truth is so obvious it can be insulting.The truth is always ready to be spoken,但我们必须勇敢地走这条路。And when we choose to knot ourselves up in lies instead,我认为这总是因为抓握和恐惧。
I didn't mean to lie to or hurt my friend,but I did.I didn't want her to feel left out,and I didn't want to admit I'd moved on and I got very busy trying to make everything pretty when it can't always be pretty.
现在我不认为我所做的和违背婚姻誓言一样严重，but I do need to acknowledge how I betrayed someone very special to me.I apologized before sitting down to write this.I told her I was wrong,我不想失去她的朋友或写作伙伴。And now the real work begins.
所以，back to your original question: Is it ever OK to cheat?
I'm going to go out on a gill here and say no.
然而，我确实认识很多这样的夫妇，他们在经历了这样的事情之后又回到了一起，因为他们有真正的悔悟，并渴望重新获得信任。Sadly,it sounds like your relative's husband has no intention to change his behavior or to admit his wrongs.He doesn't want to do any of the trust-building or apologizing.And I bet he sucks at Uno®.Ergo,she must leave him if she wants to find truth.
这个故事有一个光明的一面。After the divorce settlements and mix tape bonfires,储物柜和空椅子，有一个比以往任何时候都更清楚、更宽的天空。
I'll leave you with this one from Mark Twain:If you tell the truth,你不必记住任何事。
抵押品，告诉你的亲戚，从今以后我会尽力说实话的。她需要忠于自己说再见。
Together let's start here.Honestly.
有了爱和施马尔茨，
盖菲特
Have a question for Gefilte?Send it todeargefilte@苹果beplaykveller.com,and you might just get an answer.
