自从我是一个小女孩以来，我梦想有孩子。在我丈夫和我结婚之后，我花了几年与Naturopaths和穴位医师咨询，以清理我的饮食和我的家，准备怀孕官网下载beplay体育ios版。When friends shared how quickly they had conceived, I anticipated a similar journey for us, considering all the advance preparation I thought I had already done.
But that’s not what happened.
如果我公开分享了关于我的生育行程的详细信息，我花了很多时间考虑，如果是的话，可以分享多少。一方面，我担心我未来的孩子 - 尚未在这里 - 同意我对他们的故事。另一方面，虽然infertility非常常见，它仍然笼罩在耻辱中。这么多沉默地遭受了痛苦，因为它没有公开谈论。我与自己同意，现在分享我们目前正在做的IVF.is enough.
Holding intersecting identities as anAsian Jewish woman在我的旅程中增加了额外的图层。当一位同事共同不孕的战士Anna Wang’sInstagram handle with me, I sob-scrolled through her entire feed in an hour. I inhaled each post, frantically breathing in a new kind of air I didn’t know I so desperately needed. After realizing I had been starved for representation, I found anNBC文章by another East Asian woman, Annie Kuo, who citeda studyby Dr. Victor Fujimoto of UCSF Center for Reproductive Health, stating that 40% of East Asian women wait longer than their white peers to seek medical help — at least two years after discovering their infertility. Some of this is due to societal and cultural factors, as well as access to fertility care. Both the Asian and Jewish communities are very family-oriented, so there can also be added pressure to reproduce, with a lack of sensitivity around infertility.
After years of struggling to get pregnant, I spoke with friends who had graciously been open with me about their own fertility journeys. Withtheir encouragement, I researched fertility clinics in my area, pored over pages of Yelp reviews, and spent many hours on the phone with my insurance company. Finally, I mustered up the courage to call a fertility clinic. It was the height of the first wave of Covid, and I was told they were only seeing patients in active IVF cycles or those who had suffered a流产。虽然我理解在大流行期间优先考虑患者的需要，但我内心化的是我的情况没有足够的创伤来优先考虑。
然而，我felt traumatized。我在严格的生育饮食中，每周两次来穴，我采取了这么多的补充剂，我用尽了空间来在生育诊所的数字摄入形式中写下它们。我宗教追踪我的循环，每隔几个小时在排卵期间每隔几个小时带排卵预测套装，听取生育冥想，并尽我所能每月表现出怀孕 - 只会被完全被粉碎的时候my periodinevitably came each month. I had already spent thousands of dollars — and this was before trying more invasive and expensive procedures, like IUI and IVF — plus I had poured so much time, energy, and hope into starting a family. (Months later, I felt vindicated when my fertility therapist told me that, for women experiencing involuntary childlessness, every month you get a period is also a trauma.)
在Pre-Covid时期，我经常出席了Shabbat服务。一些有关在社区祈祷in a holy place helped to soothe my soul. During the pandemic, my temple swiftly switched to virtual and still managed to hold meaningful services, but it simply was not the same. What’s more, during Covid, we moved to a different city, and a fellow Jew of color had warned me about the racism she and her family experienced in local Jewish spaces. Another friend shared stories she had heard about women struggling with infertility who were ostracized in those same spaces. During such a tender time, I knew navigating through all of this would be much more than I could manage.
相反，我决定将虚拟治疗仪式划合在一起，以便在社区祈祷。拉比米拉里维亚Ammud: The Jews of Color Torah Academy, facilitated the space and offered a Jewish lens. Together, we hosted a virtual Red Tent ritual, named for the Anita Diamant novel centered on女性在圣经时代，暂时居住在月经或生育时居住的红色帐篷。（在此期间，他们接受了来自其他女性的鼓励，支持和相互关心。虽然名称来自虚构书，但千年为基于自然和ios下载beplay土着社会的妇女而言存在类似的空间。）我邀请了几个亲密的朋友和家庭成员 - 包括我的母亲和我的婆婆 - 每个女人对我分享了一个特别的祝福。
During the ceremony, Rabbi Mira sang songs and read stories of intergenerational Jewish women caring for one another. My sister and sister-in-law guided us in a visualization meditation fromFertility Journeys: A Jewish Healing Guide来自Mayyim Hayyim。这是2020年总统选举之后的一天，以及几个人与我分享，他们经历了那天所需要的社区感。对于一些人来说，它是他们以来的最大的连接开始的covid。
As I began sharing my story, I experienced theamazing network of TTC(trying to conceive) sisters who shared their own rituals with me. A colleague at18 Doorsconnected me with Rabbi Malka Packer-Monroe, who shared some of her treasured rituals, including how she and her wife lit three candles every Friday evening— twofor Shabbat对于那些试图怀孕的人来说，作为希望的光明。她甚至共享针对夜间IVF注射针的祝福。
The other day, I got the dreaded call that our most recent roundIVF.was not successful. I’m disappointed, but I don’t feel that same crushing feeling I felt earlier on in our journey. For better or worse, I’ve learned to build walls of protection around my heart. If I’m being honest, I’ve forgotten what hope feels like. I don’t know if I can survive being disappointed by hope again.
我希望人们理解的一件事是关于非自愿无生活的是我们在TTC社区经验中的深刻悲伤。虽然我们悲伤失去了想象的东西，但它是非常真实的。在几年前的犹太教中，我记得对许多治疗和支持感到敬畏和感激之情ios下载beplayJewish ritualsfor the bereaved. And yet, when it comes to fertility challenges, I’ve heard and read countless stories of people who have felt excluded by the place they long to belong in most: their Jewish communities.再保险solve, the National Infertility Association，在8英寸的生殖年龄妇女中有1个中的1“妇女在终生中获得了不孕症的帮助。”我相信这是一个庞大的弱者 - 很多人都无法获得生育护理，这是另一个毁灭性的系统问题。现在是我们的传统来发明新的仪式和方法来支持人们的不良仪式和夫妻。ios下载beplay我们这么多人都非常迫切需要。
Today, during Infertility Awareness week, I am sharing my story publicly for the first time. I hope it will inspire犹太社区今天为面临不育行力的人们创造更多的意识和系统。ios下载beplay而且，我祈祷我自己的梦想会有一天会出现成果。每一次丸，注射，血液吸引，鸡蛋检索，撕裂都是值得的。
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