As I wrote here on 苹果beplayKveller,我父亲上个月去世了。The period ofsheloshim(希伯来语是30)刚刚结束，as a matter of fact.Sheloshimmarks the end of 30 days of mourning.
30天的行为和活动有限制，全年有额外的限制，这些限制是为以下与死者有关的人预留的:child,配偶,sibling.
I have recitedKaddish(哀悼者的祈祷)法定人数为10人米尼安人) every day since my father was buried.这是我们作为哀悼者可以做的一件事来纪念死者。
READ:After His Death,回忆起我女儿和父亲共同度过的美好时光
It is very difficult to go from being someone who never prayed once a day in a米尼安人成为一个每天祈祷一次的人米尼安人。I go to an Orthodox synagogue which is right near my house,but when I find myself away from my neighborhood,我提前计划，找到a米尼安人在那里我可以背诵这段祷文。
东正教会堂定期举行minyans因为社区里有足够多的人来做a米尼安人。Conservative and Reform synagogues typically don't tend to consistently have enough members praying three times a day to be able to guaranteeminyans。If I want to guarantee I have a米尼安人,I choose an Orthodox倒下。
Morning services (shachrit每年的这个时候是早上5点50分。或6点45分。我也可以选择去amincha / maariv(下午/晚上的服务)，一般在晚餐时间左右。服务时间不到一小时，but on Shabbat,早晨的服务有好几个小时。
READ:My Father Died Two Hours After My Son Was Born
Here is why I have made the decision to reciteKaddishevery day in a米尼安人。
1.Routine
The routine of daily prayer encourages you to sit with your pain and grief on a daily basis. I can't ignore my grief because it's sitting with me in my pew every single day.It's also the reason we sayKaddish在一个米尼安人而不是独自一人。Community surrounds you and helps you define yourself.他们没有哀悼。我是。他们和我在一起，我有义务承认我的悲伤米尼安人以提醒大家请对我温柔;I am a mourner. Because I am virtually performing the same prayers and going through the same motions daily,在祈祷和冥想的过程中，我能相当准确地判断我的悲伤是如何起伏的。On one day, it's a remote wish for God to comfort me because I feel no comfort at all,but as time unfolds, I embrace the notion of God comforting me.我可以看到我的心每天都更开放一点，因为我每天都锻炼它。
My bored children waiting for me to say Kaddish
2.冥想
My time in倒下is quiet time.在我所去的东正教会堂里，我是那里唯一的女性。(In Orthodoxy,men pray three times a day but women are not required to.Women attend synagogue on Shabbat and holidays,但是每天minyans几乎都是男性，除了极少数的例外，比如我…)
READ:冥想是如何帮助我决定是否要再要一个孩子的
在妇女区是私密而安静的。有时候我听着,有时我吟诵，and sometimes Ishokel -rocking back and forth gently to the rhythm of the ancient words.This is time to think,and to move,and to also just be still–a rare commodity in most lives,but in particular mine.It's a gift.
3.Discipline Among Chaos
Grief is chaotic.它会让你的大脑变得混乱，让你很难清醒地思考，看看直,和说话。The fact that I can show up somewhere every day in the midst of the chaos of grief gives me hope that order will return.I can have discipline even though I am grief-stricken,out of sorts,feeling crazed.
4.Learn Something New
我从来没有参加过晨祷，除了安息日或者湿婆结束的早晨，which happened to fall on aRosh Chodesh(beginning of the month) and thus meant a morning Torah service.所以我在学习犹太教祈祷的结构是如何在这个过程中发生的。I am watching men pray while wearingtefillin(phylacteries),当我还是个孩子的时候，我只看到我的祖父每天早上独自做的一件事，那时他会来和我们住在一起。I even have seen women laytefillin在保守的倒下亲眼目睹这一切真是太棒了。我看到过左撇子是如何生活的tefillin(实际上我不知道左撇子应该怎么做!)那天我和我6岁的儿子在一起，so he got to learn something new too.在失去的时候，I am gaining something: knowledge.
5.生活不会继续，但它会
Losing my dad felt incompatible with life going on.倒不是因为我觉得没有他我活不下去，but because it felt impossible to live without him being alive too.我必须回去工作，care for my kids,养活自己(在湿婆时代，我从来不用自己做饭或准备食物)，做出决定,email,时间表,和做的事情。I had to be a productive member of society again,separate from my new identity as a mourner.Life goes on;它必须。但是说Kaddish每一天都让我走出一天中“生活继续”的一部分，进入一个避难所(字面上是!)在那里我再次成为一个哀悼者，我再次感到生活无法继续，因为这样的感觉是可以接受的。It's healthy to hold that tension in your brain.悲伤是将正在进行的生活与没有进行一次又一次的生活分割开来。
我将继续背诵Kaddishevery day.For the routine,the meditation,的纪律,的学习,and the tension it brings.
