亲爱的盖菲特，
我44岁，straight,单身男性。我仍然希望能遇到一个能和我共度余生的人。我不怕亲密；I am not afraid of rejection.What I am afraid of is having to reject other people.
I know this keeps me from"getting out there." Even on a first date,如果一个女人明显对第二次约会感兴趣，而我没有，figuring out how to say good night is an anxious and awkward affair.When it comes to breaking up with someone I've been dating for a few months—disaster.Friends try to assure me that no one is good at breaking up,but for the record,我真的不擅长。I get so anxious about it that it invariably goes terribly,and I end up feeling awful about myself.
如果有一个分手培训计划的话……我是说一个实际上不涉及约会的计划。As it is,我更倾向于一个人呆在家里舒舒服服地看电影，而不是冒险走上一条可能导致我不得不拒绝某个人的路。
你有什么建议吗？
独立的，笨拙的，and Intimidated
亲爱的尤宁
Before I weigh in on this,我认为你需要听到一些观点：
什么，you're too good for us now?
-你废弃的沙发垫
如果你再开始约会，how am I going to cash in on all those DVD residuals?
-茱莉亚罗伯茨
我给你免费送货的那些孤独的星期六晚上怎么样，尽管你只点了一份低钠主菜和一份饭？
-北京查理，业主北京查理酒店
你看，UnInIn先生，你一直在说不。You just have to accept that.And with all due respect to you and Julia Roberts,your NO is not that powerful.It's the waffling or dishonest YES that's always more destructive.And staying home to stew in WHAT IF…?对任何人都没有帮助，要么。
Here's a smarter person talking about this same idea:
不要去找精灵寻求建议，for they will say both no and yes.
（谢谢你，J.R.R.Tolkien）
不要误会说“不”是一种技巧。一个我每天都在做格菲勒斯特henics来培养的，因为再一次，它又回来打击你的恐惧。害怕在没有窗户的房间里关门，害怕不可爱或不值得爱，fears about NO leading to nevermore,nein，纳达，或者现在你失去了你的机会。
I have spent way too many years being scared of the word NO.我一直坚持穿牛仔裤来切断血液循环，relationships that cut off honesty,我妈妈去世后，就把她带到了医院，因为我认为我需要把这些作为可能的文物来保存。
我第一次主动说不是一次痛苦的经历。My mom was already in the "not sure what else we can do at this point" part of her cancer treatment.我刚从全国各地回来和她在一起。I'd brought my freckled boyfriend with me.One morning,他让我和他叔叔在一家餐馆买炒蛋，然后去我们要租的公寓看看。我妈妈说她想让我呆在家里。
I said no to her.
一周后，she was dead.
UnInInit's taken me over a decade to shove that space in between those two sentences.我花了很多天，夜晚，and therapy sessions thinking I killed my mom with that NO.
I didn't.疾病夺去了她的生命。And as far as I'm concerned,她的精神在畅游。
我现在看到的是，在我十几岁甚至20岁出头的时候，我应该练习对她说“不”，这样我们就可以找到一种不同意的方式，然后再回到一起。But as I said,我太害怕那个两个字母的怪物了。太害怕把我妈妈从我的生活中拒之门外。So I slept with the door open and a nighlight on and I waited until I was 30 and my mom was about to take her last breath before I let us both experience this.也许这是我帮助我们俩的方法，放手吧。这一部分仍有待讨论。
Here's a darkly beautiful quote from the late and greatDavid Rakoff：
I will forever be grateful to my oncologist for opening the door and saying,该死的，他还没打招呼，肿瘤就大了10%。.
听，这个神奇的鼻音单音节词永远不会性感，cute,或者特别有趣。But it is neccessary,解放。
所以我们一起跳上那个叫“不”的救生艇。
我有一个有趣的任务给你和我，想在家里玩的人。它分为三部分（因为我不能拒绝这些活动）：
1.Clean out your closet and give away five things you don't love
2。Make a list of things you find easy to refuse (I'm talking about you,mayonnaise-flavored skydiving!)
3.Reach out to someone who said no to you at any point and thank her/him.
To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily.To not dare is to lose oneself.
这就是我们如何为闪亮的裙裤腾出空间，晴朗的天空，真相。
With love and schmaltz,
盖菲特
Read More:
我儿子不想改变学校，But Now He's Glad He Did
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