唯一能让我度过自杀念头和抑郁的事

This article is part of这个在这里。Now.文章系列旨在消除心理健康治疗的污名，and improve accessibility to treatment and ios下载beplaysupport for teens and parents in metropolitan New York.

We all have strengths as parents.I might not be great at getting the laundry done or doing a DIY science lab kit,但我有我的驾驶室午餐笔记。我喜欢吃便条。The food I pack might have GMOs but the notes,they have LOVE.

Since my son was 4,我每天都给他写笔记（嗯，现在我们离婚后我和他爸爸一起工作）但是，我给我儿子写了500多封信，从关于新星球大战的爆竹笑话开始：

Knock,knock.
Who's there?
Finn.
芬恩是谁？
Finn-ish your lunch.

To reminders like:

Remember: It is never OK to punch someone in the face.
It is OK to drink punch and get some on your face.

轻松的笑声：

这是你休息前的最后一张纸条，so I better make it a good one,这就是：
放屁！！

xoxo
爱你，
Mom

他们都以充满爱的签名结束。

In addition to the lunch notes,我也给他写了20封信，所有这些都是告别信。Well,那些是我写在纸上的。How many I wrote in my head,I'm not sure,但至少是365年。

Because every day,不管我在做什么，whether I am alone in my room or deep into a light saber battle with my 9-year-old,自杀的想法总是存在的。

你知道那个开始榨汁或马拉松跑步的朋友，他不会停止谈论这个吗？That is how my brain is withsuicide,and as far as I can remember,一直都是这样。

当我16岁的时候，我是一个新获得驾照的司机，我收到了我奶奶的旧车。I felt the freedom all teenagers feel.我也这样想，finally,now I have a way to kill myself.
问题是，我很高兴，had lots of friends,没有任何抑郁的迹象，myself included,saw.Yet part of me wanted to die.我从来没有和任何人谈论过它，也没有想太多它就在那里。

随着大学的结束，现实世界即将袭击我，我决定我没有自己的能力，独立成年人，to go into the real world,so I decided to take my own life.

剧透警报：我活了下来。

我寻求治疗，服用药物，继续生活。I got married and moved back to my hometown,where I would find a new therapist,and though the thought of killing myself remained in the background of my mind,for the most part,it didn't nag at me,也许是因为我知道这总是一个选择。

But then I brought a child into this world,and the whole ending my life thing left me with something else to consider—how it would affect my son.I love being a mom.尽管我确信我会结束我的生命，I was that certain that I would be a mom.But the thing is,这两个想法，they just don't go together.

在我怀孕期间和我儿子官网下载beplay体育ios版的第一年，I felt the healthiest I ever did in life.Nursing him brought a much needed serotonin boost,一个如此巨大的激励，我想我是否应该成为一个奶妈。

当他在幼儿园的时候，这个depressionand自杀想法返回，worse than ever,我儿子一点也不知道。I would pack him his lunch,note and all,送他去学校，然后我想知道，我今天去接他还是结束我的生命？

但我致力于变得更好，有时从字面意义上说。被我建立的支持网络包围，ios下载beplay我打架，我去了门诊，我通过电休克疗法（ECT）使我的大脑震惊，and I was healthy again.

我甚至写了一个剧本，saying I was better,I was healed.然后我学到了一个很明显的教训。显然，写一个剧本说你从抑郁症中痊愈并不意味着你从抑郁症中痊愈。

Nope,it came back.Louder.Harder.And scary as shit.

所以我回到等。And it didn't work,so I tried a stronger variety.抹去我记忆的那个。Between the ECT treatments,再住三次医院，and a variety of outpatient programs (Yelp reviews coming soon) my son began to become aware I was having some medical issues.Being 9 and mostly invested in his own life,he didn't ask too much.But I wonder what I would say if he did.

我不是撒谎给孩子的人，but I'm also not one of those moms who says things like,“我儿子今天5岁了，所以我想我最好告诉他80年代的艾滋病危机和卢旺达的恐怖。After all,he is a citizen of the world."

但是问我一个直接的问题，我会给出一个与年龄相适应的直接答案，especially since I'm plugging this whole get rid of stigma,没有羞耻的事。

但我不认为他现在有必要了解我的健康，只要他知道我们应该如何做出健康的选择。在他渴望创造一个美丽的龙舌兰和看到克隆人战争的每一集之间，他在自己的生活中有足够的精力去关注。But still,我有一小部分人希望他问。

为什么？

Because I was running out of time where he'd still think it was cool that the fact I got Electro-Convulsive Therapy means Princess Leia (or at least Carrie Fisher) and I have something in common.

And so we talked about me going into the hospital—how brains work and how they need help.And because he is a kid and his world is a lot more logical than an adult's,他明白了。It was the same as talking about any other medical problem we told him about,like his dad getting a tube in his ear or his grandfather having hernia surgery.He even paid me a visit while I was there,and thanks to art therapy,I always had the chance to make him fun souvenirs.

现在我还在和这种疾病作斗争，or at least learning to peacefully co-exist with it.Many times a day,我提醒自己，就像写剧本并不能治愈我的抑郁症一样，我知道不管我给儿子写了多少封信，他们谁也不能让我为他自杀。另外，如果我真的自杀了，我不会再在他的午餐里放屁了，and for this moment,right now,that is getting me through.