I remember the day John Lennon died: December 8, 1980. John Lennon’s death has been on my mind since this past December 2020 marked the 40-year anniversary of his killing.
I remember the moment so clearly. I was less than a week shy of turning 5. I remember the sadness with which my father,z“长,说到这里。这不仅是全世界的巨大损失，也是全世界的巨大损失音乐爱好者, he said. I remember the songs that played in my brother’s room as we talked about Lennon and his legacy: “Fixing a Hole,” “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds,” “Rocky Racoon.”
Except Idon’tremember the day that John Lennon died. I justthink我愿意。
约翰·列侬去世时我记得站在的那个房间不在我5岁时住的房子里。我知道这是事实，因为在列侬遇刺的时候，我们住在好莱坞碗附近一个小社区的一个小出租屋里。有证据表明这一点，因为在我的五岁生日派对上——还有今天的照片——我父亲带着我和我的一些朋友去了一次有点危险的徒步旅行，来到了栖息的十字架上atop the mountain在好莱坞露天剧场旁边。(我称之为“T” because, as a young Jewish child, I did not know what crosses were and, to me, it just looked like a lowercase T.) We didn’t move to the house where I thought I remembered Lennon being shot until after he was murdered.
我有一个难题，因为事实是：我知道不remember the day John Lennon died. The memory I have which Ithoughtwas that memory is actually a different memory of my father and me talking about John Lennon’s death. Perhaps my father was talking about this as I listened to a披头士乐队我在我哥哥房间里的唱机上催眠地旋转。我清楚地记得我哥哥的房间。墙壁是令人恶心的本色。橱柜排列在房间的一边。这个bunk bed我过去常和他分享的是在远处的墙上。乐高到处都是，他从来不让我碰的那个石头玻璃杯也是，唯恐我用我笨拙的妹妹的手把它弄坏。
For 40 years now, I have held onto this memory of something that didn’t happen. And this made-up memory has haunted me in the weeks following the 40th anniversary of Lennon’s death. Since then, I’ve been asking myself: What else do I remember incorrectly?
I grew up in a complicated home. It was a loving, hilarious, artistically inspiring, and supportive home, but my parents struggled with mental illness. A lot. Together, separately; it was not easy. Many of my decisions about how I lead my life stem from the tools I had to acquire in order to cope in a home that was riddled与心理健康混乱。这不是我们谈论的东西；我们甚至不知道“它”是什么。
但我现在知道了。我们现在都知道了。五年前我父亲的死造成的创伤比结束的要多。我的悲伤最终导致我写了一个基于我生活的剧本。它叫As Sick As They Made Us, and is set to film this year, starring达斯汀·霍夫曼, Candace Bergen, and Simon Helberg. (It also inspired me to start a podcast,Mayim Bialik’s Breakdown, which is now a focal point of my life.)
是的，剧本是以我的生活为基础的，但不是剧本里的每一件事都是真实的。我知道这一点。作为一个作家，我的工作是讲真实的故事compelling and engaging. But by writing something that incorporates elements of my truth, I risk impressing upon others: This is what happened.
The thing is, we all have our own truths. My mother has her own truth about the home she raised me in. My brother has his own truth, which is largely kept from me and has been since I was about 19. That’s my story. And the memories I have are all clouded by time and by perspectiveand by griefand by survival and by recovery. Are my brother’s memories biased as well? What about my mother’s?
As we start a new year, and so many things now seem possible that haven’t been for four years, these memories I have are circling me. They’reencircling我。我在记忆的圈子里，因为我们都在不断地，当我们把经验层到经验上，折叠记忆into memory. We mix up an old template with a new one. We throw a fresh coat of paint on our lives every day.
我们筛选记忆，并试图找到证据来支持或捍卫或正确记忆。这是一个吃力不讨好的任务，但对作者来说。当我写剧本的时ios下载beplay候，我把我的记忆翻了个底朝天。我找到了感觉under the memoriesand I painted portraits of people whose struggles can be more linear, more concise, and less confusing than my own. I illustrated a process of growth and repair and redemption in a way real life can’t guarantee us.
I told the story I wanted to tell. I have that right. We all do. We writers bringevery emotion，每一个欲望，每一次体验都如此接近表面，感觉就像发生了一样。
I may not remember the day John Lennon died, but I remember how it felt tothinkI did. And sometimes that’s enough to build a story on.
Grace Yagel的标题图像设计
